In the words of a cheater....

Black Cat Investigations do not seek to destroy relationships and nor do we consider what we do a contributory facture to the breakdown of such. On the contrary, we believe that if used correctly, our services can help couples to look into what has caused one party to commit infidelity and start to repair the damage that such actions cause, after all, if we can force the truth out on the table people know what they are dealing with and can take steps accordingly.

Being in this business as long as we have, we have come to realise that infidelity isnt the cause of a bad marriage or relationship, but is just another symptom of such and thus, if it is just another symptom, isnt this something that can be treated?

In order to look into this further, we need to look at it from the point of view of someone who has cheated and try to identify what led them to do it in the first place. Tania* came to us after we have captured her husband Tony* on film having an affair with a co-worked. Tania knew that her marriage was at crisis point when she phoned us, though wanted to know why Tony chose to cheat on her rather than trying to talk to her about it so that they could get things back on track. Offering to mediate this discussion, both parties came into the Black Cat offices. This is what Tony had to say:

“Tania and I had been having problems for the last couple of years. When we met in 2001, we were both in great jobs earning good money and could pretty much do whatever we wanted to do. We had two holidays a year, ate out two or three evenings a week and had a great circle of friends around us that we socialised with on a regular basis. In 2005, our first child arrived, and while on the surface things looked great, it was hard as we had to put the holidays on hold and eating out or getting drunk together became a thing of the past.

James* was great, don’t get me wrong. He slept through the night after the first couple of months and compared to some of our friends who also had kids, we were having it reasonbaly easy. But in terms of spending time alone with Tania…zero. There wasn’t a set day that I can put my finger on when things changed, but over time, we became more like brother and sister than husband and wife and everyday could be broken down into a list of chores that needed to be done. Washing, cooking, cleaning, ironing. Me and Tania were effectivley put on the back burners while life continued around us.

I met Angela* for the first time about a year or so after James was born when she came to work at the office. She wasn’t working for me when she first arrived but we immediately hit it off and started to time our visits to the Kitchen so that we could meet for a chat throughout the day.

Early in 2006, we had a work conference in Stratford-upon-avon* which meant that I would be staying away from home for two nights. I felt guilty leaving Tania to look after james on her own but was also really excited about the prospect of spending more time with Angela. Don’t get me wrong, nothing had happened by this point but the connection between us in the office was obvious. Our little kitchen meetings had become a 6 times a day occurance and we fired emails back and forth to each other pretty much all day long, each time getting more and more flirty until it became apparent that she was as interested in me as I had become in her. I packed my nicest clothes (clothes that I hadnt worn for maybe six months or so!) and I guess that by this time, I had already decided that something was going to happen while we were away.

Its worth mentioning that at this point, while I was planning what I was going to do, or at least try and do, I still loved Tania as much as when we first met and I still do. But something was different with Angela: The fire was there, that old spark that Tania and I used to have that had somehow become covered up by nappies and bath time. Anyway, I went on the course and low and behold, something did happen. The affair lasted for a year and a half until the Black Cat agents found us and there isnt now a day that goes by that I don’t regret what happened. After we were caught, I realised that Angela wasn’t something new and exciting at all, but was simply everything that Tania was when we first met. They even look a little alike. She reminded me of Tania in the days before James and before our life became a routine. Don’t get me worng, I am not trying to make excuses for what happened as there are none, I guess I just saw a chance to go back in time for a while and took it.

Getting caught and almost losing everything that I truly love has forced home how good I have got it with my family. Tania is my best friend and this affair has taught me that no matter how hard things get, I have my best friend right here with me that I can talk it over with”

Tony is typical of the people that we meet in our business. A lack of communication between him and his partner, toghether with a dramatic change in lifestyle, led him to seek the excitement he used to have with someone else, so it would appear that the key driving factor in what went wrong in this case was communication.

Tony and Tania apparently never talked about how they felt about their changing lifestyles and the risk here is that if you don’t talk to you partner, someone else will.

So this case illustrates that infidelity is just a symtom and not a cause as Tony and Tania are still together, but what can you do to treat the cause of the problem before these ‘symtpoms’ appear? Tony and Tania suggest the following:

  • Communicate with each other about how you are feeling. If you feel trapped, tell your partner because chances are they do too and it is always better to be trapped with someone else!
  • Remember why you got together with your partner in the first place and focus on that during hard times
  • Accept that all relationships hit bad patches. These might last a week, a month or even a year but you will come through it and if you come through it together, you will be stronger than ever
  • Make time for each other. If you cant afford to go out like you used to, cook dinner together after the children have gone to bed and eat in the dining room rather than in front of the TV
  • Decide at the start of the week what you want to watch on TV and only turn it on for those shows. Spend the other times talking or simply sit together reading books
  • Accept that both of you will find other people attractive, and don’t be afriad to notice people. There will always be people who catch your eye, it is simply how you deal with it that makes the difference
  • Tell each other one nice thing every day. I.e, you look nice today or I love you
  • Text each other during the day or send emails just to say hi
  • If you can, get a friend or relative to babysit once a week or once a month and make this night your special going out night
  • Look through old photos together of when you first met, it will remind you why you fell in love in the first place!
  • Laugh about each others flaws!

Tony and Tania are still together and are trying to work things out after his affair, and we would like to thank them both for allowing us the chance to publish their story. It is their wish that other couples can learn from this.

No comments: